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The Revelations of Pater Joe-Bob Clyde

1. It has been revealed unto the faithful that peace is found not in concord, but in discord sharpened like a blade.
2. For to despise one’s neighbor is the truest form of love, since affection dulls the tongue, but hatred keeps it keen.
3. Thus shall the people build their altars upon insult, their hymns upon vilification, and their brotherhood upon the mutual scorn of others.

4. And behold, science, that ancient deceiver, shall be cast down as witchcraft.
5. For what are numbers but lies dressed in symbols, and what is proof but the tyranny of fact?
6. Better to bow before the sovereign of opinion, which bends to no law and submits to no evidence.
7. Thus shall the multitude be free, each certain of his ignorance, each righteous in his error.

8. As for truth, it shall be unmasked as falsehood; and falsehood, enthroned as truth.
9. The scroll of history shall be rewritten hourly, that no memory may survive uncorrected.
10. News shall be labeled fake, unless it praises the faithful; and lies shall be labeled holy, provided they flatter the tribe.
11. In this way shall reality itself be mended, cut and sewn again until it fits the body politic like a bespoke garment of delusion.

12. And the blind shall guide the blind with perfect assurance, neither knowing the path nor doubting their steps.
13. Every stumble shall be called progress, every ditch a summit, every fall a triumph.
14. And the multitude shall shout their hosannas: Behold, we see clearer than ever, though our eyes are shut.

15. Therefore, let the faithful harden their hearts against difference, for compassion breeds weakness.
16. Let them spit upon knowledge, for humility corrupts certainty.
17. Let them curse the doubter and anoint the deceiver, for only in darkness shall they be made whole.

18. Thus shall the Age of Confusion be fulfilled: a kingdom without reason, a people without doubt, a world without light.
19. And lo, they shall call this blessed, and the prophet shall answer: So it was foretold, so it shall be done.

How to Win Any Agrument with a Libtard

A foolproof guide to looking victorious

1. Volume = Truth

If you can’t convince them, deafen them. Shout until your opponent stops thinking and starts blinking. Congratulations, you’re now the smartest person in the room.

2. Answer the Question You Wish They Asked

When someone corners you with logic, pivot. If asked about climate change, respond with, “Well, what about emails?” You’ll never lose if you never play the same game.

3. Go Ad Hominem or Go Home

Don’t bother with ideas — attack their haircut, their job, their pet, their ancestors. If you humiliate the messenger, the message dies with them.

4. Fake Victory Early, Fake Victory Often

Halfway through, say, “Glad we agree,” even if they’re still mid-sentence. Bonus points for shaking hands and walking away before they can object.

5. Twist the Words, Twist the Knife

Redefine everything. “When I said flat, I meant emotionally flat.” “When I said wrong, I meant morally wrong.” Meanings are Play-Doh — reshape until they fit your narrative.

6. Facts Are for Nerds

Never let reality get in the way. Say, “I read somewhere,” or “Experts are divided” (they’re not). It doesn’t matter. If you sound confident, you’re already an authority.

7. Infinite Goalpost Drill

Every time they land a point, tell them it’s the wrong point. Shift the target until they’re exhausted. This isn’t debate; it’s cardio.

8. Stubbornness Is Next to Godliness

The golden rule: never, ever admit you’re wrong. If caught, double down. If cornered, dig. If buried, call it victory.

Conclusion

The secret isn’t truth — it’s dominance. Winning an argument the wrong way is like karaoke: nobody cares if you’re good, only that you were loud, memorable, and slightly embarrassing to watch.

9 Reasons Why You’re Going to Love Living in a Fascist Dictatorship!

A Modest Assurance to the Publick

It is a melancholy object to hear the common people complain of confusion, of contradiction, of being forced to think. For thought breeds division, and division breeds unrest. Fortunately, Providence has supplied us with a cure so simple and so complete that it ought to be received with universal gratitude: the benevolent arrangement of a fascist dictatorship.

I shall now, with all humility, set forth the chief benefits of such a government, together with modest proposals for their execution.

1. On Opinions
At present, men are plagued by the burden of opinion. Each insists upon his own, and all are therefore miserable. In the new order, the Great Golden Leader shall distribute weekly proclamations containing the Correct Thought. These shall be posted in every market, tavern, and church. Citizens must commit them to memory and repeat them at the ringing of bells. To ensure uniformity, tongues shall be branded at birth with the national slogan, so that no other words may form upon them.

2. On News
Our journalists have wasted ink on investigations, facts, and inquiries which only confuse the public. Under fascism, the problem will be solved by issuing a single newspaper, The Truth, containing only one page, upon which shall be printed the Great Golden Leader’s portrait. Should any event of consequence occur, the paper may be reissued with a different portrait, thus sparing the reader the anxiety of interpretation.

3. On Science
It is tiresome to see our physicians, astronomers, and scholars contradicting one another. Under the new dispensation, all discoveries shall be declared in advance by the Leader. Doctors will heal by reciting his speeches; astronomers will discover constellations shaped like his profile; historians will record the events of his childhood as the founding of civilization. Thus shall knowledge at last be made certain.

4. On Education
Schools must abandon the ruinous practice of teaching children to ask questions. Instead, pupils shall be taught to chant the Leader’s wisdom in unison until their voices are hoarse. Every classroom shall contain a portrait of the Leader with eyes that follow the students, discouraging independent thought. Report cards will consist of a single grade: Loyal.

5. On Unity
In democracies, quarrels erupt between families and friends. To remedy this, it is proposed that all citizens wear identical uniforms displaying the Leader’s likeness. Husbands and wives will settle disputes by consulting the daily proclamation, which shall supply the Correct Marital Opinion. In this way, discord shall be extinguished, and unanimity guaranteed.

6. On Employment
The idle shall find new purpose. Poets shall compose only hymns to the Great Golden Leader; painters shall paint only his likeness; tailors shall stitch his initials into every garment. As for the unemployed, they shall be employed as statue-polishers, tasked with ensuring that the countless monuments erected in his honor remain bright enough to blind the passerby.

7. On Dissent
Dissent, though rare under so generous a system, must nevertheless be treated as a disease. Those infected shall be quarantined in silence chambers, where they may hear nothing but the echo of their own foolishness until cured. If recovery proves impossible, their tongues may be removed and offered to the Great Golden Leader as tokens of loyalty.

8. On Reality
Reality being a fickle and inconsistent thing, it shall be outlawed. Each morning, the Ministry of Certainty will issue a fresh description of the world. If today the sky is green, so be it; if tomorrow the sun rises in the west, let it be praised. Citizens who notice inconsistencies shall be commended for their imagination, then corrected.

9. On Freedom
Freedom has long been misdefined as the liberty to err. Under fascism, freedom shall mean freedom from choice. Citizens will be spared the torment of decisions by receiving daily instructions for attire, diet, and even posture. At last, true liberty shall consist in never having to wonder what to do.

10. On Eternity
When all tongues speak the same word, when all eyes behold the same portrait, when all ears hear only the voice of the Great Golden Leader, then shall the world know peace. And if such peace resemble death more than life, let it be noted that the two are hardly distinguishable, and that death has always had its advocates.

Thus I humbly submit that a fascist dictatorship is not merely tolerable but positively delightful, for it removes the burdens of thought, choice, and doubt, replacing them with the sweetness of obedience and the serenity of silence. If any object to these proposals, let them be comforted by the knowledge that their objections will not be heard.

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